That was the question I was dreading most. I didn’t want to lie to Nico but I didn’t want to tell the truth, either. At least, not the whole truth. “It went pretty well. She seemed happy when I left.” Nico nodded thoughtfully. Finally I asked, “Do you want to hear about it?”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t think so.” She frowned at the floor. “You really want to quit?”
“This whole thing has grown out of control. I can’t do it anymore. It’s not what I want.”
Nico nodded but didn’t argue with me like I had expected. “I guess that’s that.” She grew quiet, as if having an internal debate, before she asked, “How long is your break?”
“At least another ten minutes. Why?”
“I was thinking we could have one last time together before the school year ended. What do you say?”
I thought of Kelly and my immediate thought was, no. But then I realized that for the first time Nico was asking me, not telling me, and I glimpsed a hint of pleading in her eyes so I relented. “Okay. What do you want to do?”
She smiled and sat on the edge of the table. “Let’s do what you want.”
Another first. I stepped between her legs and slipped my hand under her skirt and wasn’t surprised to find she wasn’t wearing panties. She was swollen and wet and ready, as if she had been working herself over just before she got to the lab. Nico undid my pants and pushed them down. I expected she was going to give me a blowjob or handjob but instead she scooted to the edge of the table, grabbed my cock and rubbed it against her wet slit. After some initial resistance I eased in. Just like that I was fucking Nico and it was then I realized nothing bad was going to happen to her. It was incredibly liberating to let go of the irrational fear.
She was tight, incredibly tight. Nico lay back, pulled up her skirt and fingered her clit. I watched my cock sink into her swollen sex. It reappeared, wet and shiny, stretching and pulling her nether lips. I paused with the tip barely inside her and held it there. Her strumming fingers flashed over her clit. When I couldn’t wait any longer I plunged back into her.
All those months of frustration I poured into fucking her, channeling it through my cock. Nico fucked me back with equal abandon, her feet spurring me on, her fingers flying, her cunt squeezing and convulsing. She sat up suddenly and climbed onto me, wrapping her arms around my neck and wrapping her legs around my waist, and bounced on my cock.
I grabbed her ass with both hands to support her and marveled for a moment how light she was. Nico hungrily met every one of my thrusts, her breath hitching with every stroke, until I grunted, “I’m going to come.”
“Then do it,” she hissed through clenched teeth. Her body moved desperately against mine and our rhythm became fractured and erratic as I erupted. I stumbled back against the wall and waited as her bobbing slowed to stop.
She slipped off and adjusted her skirt while I dressed. “Goodbye, Thomas,” she said a bit sadly, turning away quickly towards the exit. That’s when I noticed she was wearing the same exact outfit as the first night we met. Before I could call to her she was gone.
I didn’t hear from Nico until the end of July. I was living at my parents’ for the summer and received a small padded envelope in the mail. Inside were a USB stick and a brief note from Nico:
Thomas- There’s a video message for you on the stick. The video is for you and only you and it requires a password for you to access. The password is a simple one-syllable word I taught you this past year. –N
In the relative seclusion of my room, I plugged the USB stick into my laptop. When the dialogue box appeared asking for the password, I hesitated momentarily before typing in: cunt. The video player started up and there was Nico looking out at me from my screen. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw those green eyes but the smile was short-lived as I noticed Nico was pale and drawn, she wasn’t wearing any makeup, and her hair was now a more natural auburn color and rather unkempt. The wall behind her bed was plain white with no decorations. The vibe was definitely institutional. Frowning, I clicked Play.
“Hi, Thomas. There’s no easy way to say this, so here it is: The reason you’ve received this video is that I am dead.” ๐๐ฆ๐ข๐ฅ๐จ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐ง๐ช๐ค๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ.๐ค๐ฐ๐ฎ
My vision darkened, the walls and ceiling closed in on me. I forced myself to take deep slow breaths until the pressure lifted. On-screen, Nico was blinking back tears and looking away from the camera. After a minute she took a shaky breath and went on.
“There’s so much I want to tell you and there’s so much I need to tell you. I owe you the truth and more.
“I have a type of brain tumor known as a glioblastoma multiforme that is rather malignant and was rather advanced when it was found over a year ago. The location of the tumor made surgical treatment impossible. I did have radiative therapy but it was ineffective. Even if that did work it was only going to buy me a few extra months. The prognosis was grim: Most people in my condition die within six months; a small percentage make it to twelve. I’m on month fourteen and counting so I feel like I’ve won some sort of cosmic sweepstakes.
“After I was diagnosed I had a choice. I could either spend my remaining time at home with my family, enduring countless trips to the hospital for treatment that might buy me a short amount of time or I could go back to school and try and live a normal life.
“I chose life. I was nineteen and I wanted to be normal or, at least, pretend to be for the little time I had left.
“Knowing when I was going to die changed me. I saw how much pain my condition was causing my family and I wanted to spare others from ever feeling that, so I decided I wouldn’t let anyone new get close to me. Turns out, that wasn’t so easy.
“I also began experiencing all these dark urges. I didn’t want to get involved with anyone but I began to have sexual cravings. I was able to resist them for a while but then they overwhelmed me. They still do but now I don’t have the strength to act on them.”
I noticed as she spoke her left eyelid was blinking slightly slower than her right. There was also a slurring of her words but I didn’t know if that was from the tumor or possibly from medication.
“Maybe I was feeling lonely. Maybe it was the fact that you treated me decently in spite of my appearance. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was chemistry. Maybe it was everything. Maybe it was nothing. Whatever it was, when I caught you checking out my body I had the undeniable urge to suck your cock. I figured I would jump you, have a good time and we would go our separate ways. But you really surprised me. I tried to forget about you afterwards but it was impossible. You once called me your drug. Well, you were my drug and I was hooked after only one time.
“Despite my vow I went back to see if you were really that special. You were. God help me, I was falling for you but I still didn’t want you to fall for me. That’s why I treated you like shit. Since I couldn’t stay away from you I hoped I could drive you away. And while a little piece of me died every time I mistreated you, I simply can’t imagine how I made you feel. For that I am truly sorry.
“My fucking project was a ploy for you to see there are better people out there than me. I was careful to set you up with girls I knew you would like and who would treat you well. With each new girl I was afraid you would leave me, but you proved to be loyal to a fault and that made me love you even more.
“Thomas, I love you. I think you love me, too, or at least, you once loved me. I’m sorry I never got to hear you say it.”
“I love you, Nico,” I said to the screen. Nico started to say something but stumbled over her words and started swearing. She got stuck on the word fuck, repeating it over and over for more than a minute before there was a break in the video. When the video resumed night had fallen in Nico’s room.
“The seizures are growing more frequent and getting worse. I have headaches and I’m so tired all time. All I want to do is sleep. My short-term memory doesn’t work so well nowadays so I had to go back and watch what I had recorded.
“So, I wanted you and I didn’t want to hurt you, but I did hurt you. That day in the coffee shop you were incredibly brave in trying to tell me how you felt. In my panic I lashed out and I’m afraid I may have permanently damaged our relationship. The next several weeks were especially bad for seizures and tremors. I ignored your calls and texts because I couldn’t think coherently and I didn’t want you to see me like that.
“When I felt better I went to the computing center, saw the pain etched on your face and I knew I had finally succeeded in driving you away. I couldn’t let you go, though, and I had to have you one last time. Maybe a more accurate way to say it would be ‘one first time.’ Despite all my blunt talk about sex I was no more experienced than you, in anything. I learned as I went along, just like you. In the end, you were my first and my last. You were my only.”
Nico’s head began jerking slightly to the side, her eyes unfocused. The jerking continued unabated until the video cut to a sunlit room. Now there was a soft beeping of a monitor in the background. Nico’s left eye was filled with blood and the pupil fixed and dilated.
“There’s so much I want to say but I don’t have time for. I’m afraid if I don’t wrap this up soon I won’t be able to edit it and then you’ll have to watch long stretches of me swearing and twitching.
“I wish I had done so much differently. I should have treated you better. I should have loved you openly and, if you loved me in return, I should have spent every possible moment with you. My intentions were to fully live what remained of my life and I failed in the worst possible way. I denied you. I denied love. I denied life.”
Tears brimmed in her eyes once more. Several minutes passed before she composed herself.ย “This is my last will and testament to you, Thomas. I want you to find love and happiness. I know I can’t guarantee it but I might be able to give you a push in the right direction. Kelly told me about that night so I know how it touched her. You two shared a beautiful moment and I have to admit I’m jealous. Promise me you’ll see her again, if only just to talk with her. She’ll be living at this address in the fall so she should be easy to find.”ย Kelly’s name and address appeared on the screen.
“Find her, talk to her and see where it goes from there. Maybe you’re right for each other. Maybe not. But you have to find out.
“I don’t know what lies ahead for me besides Death. Even though I’ve spent the past year mentally preparing I’m suddenly scared. Death is a chasm bigger than the Grand Canyon but instead of being filled with beauty it’s filled only with darkness. Death is a black void stretching out before me. I’m at the edge now and about to step off into the abyss. Will there be a bottom? Will there be another side?
“Is there a soul after Death? I hope certainly hope so because I want to keep watch over you. If I can I’ll come back and haunt you, but in a nice way. I’ll come to you in your dreams and fuck your brains out. I swear I will.”ย Her lower lip was trembling now. With a shaky voice she finished with,ย “Goodbye, Thomas. I love you.”
The video ended. I closed the lid of the laptop, pulled the USB stick out and hugged it to my chest. I curled up on my bed and wept for a very long time.
At the end of August I was back on campus sitting on a low brick wall outside a modest apartment building. It was only ten in the morning but the sun was already beating down and baking the pavement. I sat in the shade of a maple tree and waited. Eventually Kelly emerged from the building wearing a white t-shirt and bright orange shorts. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and her summer tan gave her a healthy glow. She was as lovely as I remembered.
When she saw me she did a double take and a smile broke out on her face. “Hey, Thomas. Good to see you. What are you doing here?”
“Waiting for you, actually.” Her smile grew. “Do you have a minute? I need to tell you something.” She sat next to me on the wall, her thigh lightly touching mine.
“I don’t know if you heard but Nico passed away this summer.”
Kelly’s face clouded and she nodded slowly. “Yeah, I know. Brain tumor.”
“How well did you know her?”
“I guess about as well as anybody did, outside of her family. We lived together the past two years. She was my best friend.”
I blinked in surprise and took a moment to digest that. “You were best friends and lived together at Mary Hall?”
“Our first year, yeah. That’s how we met. We rented an apartment last year. That’s where you and I met.”
I closed my eyes for a moment and thought about how much I didn’t know about Nico. Finally I said, “Nico told me she lived at Mother Mary.”
“Um, yeah, that was so that guys couldn’t find her after, you know.”
“Were there many guys?” I asked quietly.
Kelly shook her head emphatically. “No, only you. It’s funny: She claimed she wanted to sleep around a bit but she never did. Meeting you screwed that up, but in a good way. How did you hear about Nico’s passing?”
I stared down at my hands, shook my head and sighed. “She sent me a video.”
“She wanted to write you but couldn’t hold a pen. I offered to write it for her, like dictation, but she said it was only for you.” Kelly hooked an errant lock of hair behind her ear. “So I suggested she record a video. Nico liked the idea that she could speak directly to you but hated that you would be able to see what she was going through.”
“Actually, seeing that made me understand where she was coming from,” I admitted. “It somehow made it more real. Were you with her at the end?”
Kelly nodded. “I saw her about a week before she died. It was so hard saying goodbye to her, not knowing if I was going to see her again.”
I asked the question that had been gnawing at me the past couple of weeks. “The Nico in the video seemed very different from the Nico I knew. Which one is the real her?”
Kelly exhaled slowly and looked around. “I would have to say both complete the picture. The Nico you saw in the video is likely the Nicole I knew our first year at school. She was funny and smart but modest and reserved when it came to guys. Nicole was interested in guys and guys were interested in her but she never dated or hooked up with anyone. That spring she started getting these blinding headaches and would have fits of swearing, as if she had developed Tourette’s. That’s when the tumor was found. She also became impulsive, getting tattoos and piercings over the summer. When Nico came back the following fall she was a different person, much more grim.”
“Knowing you’re going to die soon will do that to a person,” I offered.
“True, but it was more than that. I honestly think the tumor pressing on her brain changed her personality. She said horrible and wildly inappropriate things at times. She had dyed her hair and changed how she dressed and wanted to be called ‘Nico.’ I was afraid she was becoming more violent and bent on self-destruction. Maybe the piercings and the tattoos were an outlet for that.” Kelly paused and shook her head. “I feared I was going to lose her even before she died. But then the most amazing thing happened.” Kelly looked at me and smiled. “She met you and that somehow righted her ship. The old Nicole would come out after she had seen you and when she talked about you.”
“How much did she tell you?”
“A lot. She told me about how you’re quiet, caring, considerate, and intelligent, and about your anxiety issues.” Kelly paused and blushed. “Nico also told me about what you did together. I had a boyfriend I was sleeping with but we didn’t do anything like you and Nico did. I was a bit green with envy of you two.” ๐๐ฆ๐ข๐ฅ๐จ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐ง๐ช๐ค๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ.๐ค๐ฐ๐ฎ
My anxiety cranked up another notch and part of my mind began counting sidewalk panels. “Did she tell you everything? Did she tell you about her project to get me out into the world?”
“Yeah. Nico ran the idea by me first but I thought it was ridiculous and risky. I tried to talk her out of it but it was no use. That whole thing was so unlike her, I sometimes wonder if that also was the tumor.”
We sat for a minute in silence. “So, you know I was a gigolo.”
“No, you weren’t. You’re a nice guy who did what Nico told him.”
Another question gnawed on my conscience. “How did you become a client?”
Kelly raised her eyebrows and tilted her head. “My boyfriend dumped me in February. He said I was getting too clingy and too fat. Turns out he had been cheating on me with some skinny-ass sorority girl for a few weeks before he got up the nerve to break up with me. The punch line is that she dumped him a month later. Then he started coming around, trying to patch things up but I refused. By spring, though, my resolve was almost gone and I asked Nico what I should do. She told me I should spend an evening with you and then I would know how much of a louse my ex is.”
“Nico told you to have sex with me?”
“God, no! That was something that just happened. Nico wanted me to see what it could be like to spend time with someone who was gentle and caring. I was so nervous at first I didn’t want to do anything. But sitting and talking with you was great and then we spent that hour simply kissing. By then I knew I wanted to experience more of you and you were so tender and loving when we were on the floor. I couldn’t help myself. I had to have you.”
“Was she there that night? I dreamt she was watching us sleep.”
“No, she had a really bad episode earlier that week and was back home being cared for by her parents.”
Silence fell over us as waves of heat radiated from every direction. There was so much I wanted to ask Kelly I didn’t know where to begin. It was evident it would take time to hear the full story about Nico. I took seven deep breaths and plunged in. “Listen, I don’t want to keep you from wherever you’re going but I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me some time.”
Kelly smiled. “What did you have in mind?”
“I don’t know, dinner maybe, perhaps this weekend.”
“Tell you what. I’m on my way to buy my textbooks. If you don’t have plans, why don’t you come with me. We can go to lunch afterwards, and then…” She let the sentence trail off.
“And then what?”
She shrugged. “Then we’ll see.”
That was a year and a half ago. Kelly and I have been living together for the past year and we’re graduating this spring. Kelly’s been accepted at State for their Veterinarian Medicine program and I have a job lined up with their Computing Resources Department. We plan on getting married next summer. I’ve never been happier.
Nico has stayed with me, haunting my memories. She did come to me in my dreams once and did as she promised. When I awoke I was making love to Kelly. I don’t know if that really was Nico’s ghost or just the memory of her, but quite frankly, it doesn’t matter to me.
All I know is, I owe her so much.
For Nico. I love you and I miss you.
