“I-it’s not like that. It was a difficult decision for m-me too. It’s not… it’s not like I don’t care.”
“Then…” As if suppressing something, he stopped speaking for a moment. “Then you should leave with me.”
Max couldn’t stop the tears from flowing and covered her face with her hands. Riftan hugged her around the waist, he spoke desperately, trying to persuade her.
“If you really don’t want to leave my side, then come with me. Don’t worry about anything else! I will give you a castle and loyal servants again. Now that we can finally be together… we can’t be apart again. I don’t have the confidence to endure those years again!”
‘Receiving a stab in my heart would be less painful than hearing those words.’ She stared at him in pain as his dark eyes shook painfully in distress.
The desire to do what he asked made her feel like she was being ripped into two parts. Her heart said yes fiercely, and her sense of reason firmly denied his offer in her head. It was so clear which option was the right thing to do. Max’s face crumpled as she wept and struggled to open her trembling lips. 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯.𝘤𝘰𝘮
“I.. I can’t do that.” Her mouth tasted bitter and her throat felt cracking as she swallowed the sobs that broke out. She exhaled breathlessly. “I took everything from you… I.. I.. How am I supposed to live with my head held high? Since you married me… there has been nothing good that happened to you… not a single thing… you were forced to an expedition that wasn’t your responsibility to bear… you suffered to the point of dying… and n-now you would be left without title, without territory, without property, without your companions… just-just the fact of thinking that you will lose everything… How can I feign ignorance about that!”
“I’m telling you that I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me! I’m saying that as long as I have you, everything else will be fine.”
“It matters to m-me!” Hot tears fell on her cheeks. Max grabbed her face and cried out sobbing. “Throughout my life… I-i have thought of myself as a useless human being. I couldn’t take it, I was so ashamed of myself. That’s why… I couldn’t show myself openly to anyone… I couldn’t even tell the truth about me… I built my pride on the motto of… lying… and pretending to be fine…”
Max closed her eyes tightly. She could not control the torrent of tears that flowed constantly. “I-I don’t want to do that anymore. Not anymore… I don’t want to hate myself anymore.”
Max’s blurry vision caught Riftan’s flustered face, she gripped his arm tightly and screamed at him in supplication. “I’m not just… going for you.. I want to change. I want… to be proud of myself. So please… let me go…”
“…I don’t want to. I cannot let you go.”
When she reached for his hand, Riftan rejected her as if he touched fire and backed away from her.
“L-let me go, please. You have to… let me go.”
“I said I don’t want to!”
Riftan screamed like a child. His broad shoulders that seemed solid as rocks trembled violently, staring at her with torn eyes, he left the room as if fleeing. Max couldn’t follow him, staggered, and sat right where she was. Her body shook violently as if she were in the middle of a storm. She hugged herself and cried sadly. The hot tears continued to stream down her face, she felt as if a part of her body had been cut out.
‘Do I really have to do this? Should I go, even if it hurts and causes us pain?’
Overwhelmed by doubt and pain, she wrapped her hands around her feverish face. She hated everything that led to this situation. And among those things, was herself. Max closed her eyes tightly.
***
When the tears stopped, the tension and fatigue accumulated from the past few days overwhelmed her body. With the help of Rudis, she bathed and put on new clothes. Was it because of her heightened emotions that she felt so weak? She had no more energy left to stand. Once she laid back on the bed, she fell fast asleep.
When she woke up, the morning light was shining through the window. She sat up and stared at the glimmering glass window. The spot on the bed next to her was empty. Caressing the cool sheet with her fingertips, she got off the bed and draped a shawl around her shoulders. She tried to go find him, but changed her mind and sat on the bed. He needed time to think, and she also needed time to clear her emotions and her mind.
She walked in front of the fireplace, washed her face with the water that was already at her disposal and combed her hair. After a while, Rudis opened the door and entered.
“You’re awake.” She smiled kindly and put the wood she was carrying in her arms by the fireplace. “Would you like to have your breakfast ready right away? Last night you stayed asleep and did not even have a proper dinner.”
Seeing the maid’s kind face seemed to calm her heart. Like the croaking of a frog, Max muttered in an inaudible voice.
“Yes p-please.”
“Please wait for a moment. I’ll prepare a delicious meal in an instant.”
Rudis put firewood on the fire that was already burning low, fanned it with bellows, and headed towards the door. Max hesitated and asked.
“By the way… the Lord…”
Rudis stopped short and replied in a cautious tone. “It seems that he is in his office. Do you want me to call for him if you need anything?”
Max shook her head with an awkward smile. She was grateful to Rudis for pretending she knew nothing, when she must have heard of their fight. When Rudis left, she sat in front of the fireplace, lost in thought.
The cats huddled on her lap, meowing and purring. Outside the castle, the sound of the servants busily chopping wood was heard. While paying attention to the usual noises, the feeling of being adrift like a wrecked ship gradually subsided. She watched the burning flames and remembered the past days before they were turbulen.
She thought about the day she was brought there by Riftan without knowing anything about the territory, being the lady of Calypse Castle, and redecorating it, having dealt with incidents and accidents. Having met Ruth, Yulysion, Garrow and the Remdragon Knights. Little by little, getting closer to them and even fighting while learning magic… a slight smile appeared on her mouth.
Then, she also recalled the days when she experienced a horrible war, when she felt resentful of her recklessness and even caused the loss of their child. Sadness and regret filled her heart. She had a hundred or so things to regret, and when she remembered that she had followed her father on her own will, she was filled with shame and negative thoughts.
Thus, all the memories of those days piled up desperately. She closed her eyes slightly: now she had to give up all the things she was used to and walk towards an unknown world. Fear gripped her to the marrow of her bones, yet somehow the decision to leave was firmly established.
Suddenly, she realized that the words she yelled at Riftan weren’t just to persuade him. She wanted to stay with him forever, but in the corner of her heart she felt the desire to get out of his shadow. They were trapped in their own world that was decaying progressively, he didn’t even hesitate to ruin himself when it came to her. She wanted to hide from the world and cling onto him forever, that temptation constantly afflicted her, but if they continued like that, she would end up drowning his future in mud and he would suffocate her in his arms. They would ruin each other in the name of “love”.
She walked to the window and looked up at the pale winter sky. She could see the migratory birds flying in a row towards the distant sky. She felt something inside her rose from the excruciating pain. It was terribly painful to be called hope and too weak to be called determination. Max opened the window, the chilly air filling her lungs and the cold breeze cooling her face. As if announcing the end of winter, the sunlight that had penetrated through the clouds had a faint golden hue. The world was waking up so beautifully that it was cruel.
The next day, she still didn’t hear from Riftan. Max didn’t look for him, she wanted to give him time to calm his thoughts. However, when she couldn’t find a single trace of him on the fourth day of their return to the castle, she plucked up her courage and headed to his office, but when she was finally standing in front of the door, she couldn’t bring herself to pull the knob.
‘How many more times am I going to break his heart?”
She was horrified at the fact that she had begged him to let her go. She anxiously toyed with the hem of her skirt, then she turned away from the door and looked into the dark corridor where the sunset’s glow was visible. At that moment, she felt a strong temptation to return to her room that way. However, she soon made up her mind and approached the door again.
After hesitating one more time, she carefully opened the door and saw him sleeping on a couch. Max entered silently, then saw a glass of wine on the floor and stopped walking. There was a dark red stain on the carpet as if he had spilled alcohol on the carpet. She raised the glass carefully, the smell of liquor piercing her nostrils. Max wrinkled her nose and looked at the empty bottle of wine next to him.
Apparently, he appeared in no condition to speak with. With a sigh, she took off her cloak and placed it over his body that was lying on a velvet couch. While turning to leave the room, just in time, she heard Riftan’s husky voice.
“… that woman… she always went to the hill and looked towards the horizon.” Max hesitated and turned. Riftan slowly opened his eyes and looked at her. His eyes were sunk, darker than ever. “The woman who gave birth to me, she would comb her hair and go up the hill when dawn came. I knew that she was waiting for the man who abandoned her.”
Max tensed as she realized he was talking about his past he was always so reluctant to talk about. A voice mixed with mockery and disinterest echoed through the room.
“Can you believe it? She waited devotedly for over a decade for a man who just used her and abandoned her. He must have completely forgotten about the innocent woman he once had fun with.”
Cynical laughter spread coldly through the air. Max hunched her shoulders and calmly approached him. Riftan continued to speak in an indifferent demeanor, as if he didn’t care if she was listening to him or not.
“My stepfather was a slow-witted person. He married a woman who never looked at him for twelve years. Meanwhile, that woman continued to wait for the man she only spent a few months with, as if he were important. She waited and waited… and when she heard that the man had perished in battle, she hanged herself.”
Max tried to take his hand, but he withdrew his arm in midair. She felt as cold as if her lungs were filled with ice water. Riftan showed a cold smile.
“One day when I entered the cabin, she was hanging from the ceiling. She was a very beautiful woman… It was a miserable scene.” Riftan lifted his torso and lowered his legs to the floor. Then, looking at her face that paled in surprise with her tear-filled eyes, he spoke again. “I swore to myself that I wouldn’t be like that, even if I die. It wouldn’t make myself so miserable…”
Max knelt down and hurrield squeezed his hands. When she realized the thoughts he was obsessing over, her heart sank in fear.
Note – LF: Welp, I guess it’s a crying fest.
